Awakened [#6]
I sit and I wait
My eyes barely able to see the
light
My body stiff from a lack of
motivation
There is only one thing I crave
No energy for Starbucks or
Dunkin Donuts
My patience is withering away
I lift the top, pour some water,
push “BREW”
Just like that, the waiting
continues
The scent begins to fill the air
awakening every sense in my body
The mug begins to fill as the
caffeine pours out
Milk, sugar, stir
It is ready and so am I
The tips of my fingers burn
Then my palms follow
The feeling of hollow ceramic between
my hands
My awakening has begun
That first sip
Flowing warmth and kindness down
my insides
Sip…sip…sip…gulp
Filling every inch with energy
and ambition
I loved this! As a fellow coffee drinker, you did a great job of relating that initial gloomy feeling in the morning and the transformation that occurs that first sip has been had. I like that you described the process of making the coffee as you patiently wait. You really used show don't tell to tell us how the coffee changed how you felt.
ReplyDeleteOnly thing I might change is to take out some of the flatter, less interesting verbs and replace them with more enticing ones. Additionally, I believe "My patience are withering away" should be switched to "patience is".
Overall, great job!!
I loved this! As a fellow coffee drinker, you did a great job of relating that initial gloomy feeling in the morning and the transformation that occurs that first sip has been had. I like that you described the process of making the coffee as you patiently wait. You really used show don't tell to tell us how the coffee changed how you felt.
ReplyDeleteOnly thing I might change is to take out some of the flatter, less interesting verbs and replace them with more enticing ones. Additionally, I believe "My patience are withering away" should be switched to "patience is".
Overall, great job!!
Great job on the performance! It really drew me in. I also really like the title of the poem because drinking coffee truly is an awakening! The line "The feeling of hollow ceramic between my hands" is a great example of showing and not telling. I think the speaker should use the words "sense" rather than the word "sensation" to make the poem flow better.
ReplyDeleteGreat job on the performance! It really drew me in. I also really like the title of the poem because drinking coffee truly is an awakening! The line "The feeling of hollow ceramic between my hands" is a great example of showing and not telling. I think the speaker should use the words "sense" rather than the word "sensation" to make the poem flow better.
ReplyDeleteI loved this detailed description of getting your morning coffee! This poem does a good job of “show not tell.” In the second stanza “patience are” should be “patience is.” I think the line flowing warmth and kindness down my insides” kind of loses the flow of the poem and maybe should be shorted. I liked how the speaker held up the coffee cup at the end!
ReplyDeleteI loved the relatable topic you chose for this poem and you showed the emotions well. I think this poem can be pushed more, What is the speaker passionate about? What is the reason for the early wake up? Why does the speaker feel that way? I think this poem could use some for dimension
ReplyDeleteLove how you took a very relatable topic and drew us in with the dramatic reading! Great job! As for the poem, I love the descriptions, but I only wish you showed us more.. For example, instead of using the words "No energy", maybe you could up with a more descriptive way of showing us that without saying it, you know? All in all, great job!
ReplyDeleteI really like your transformation of a simple "crave" into this creatively detailed poem. For example, "The feeling of hollow ceramic between my hands"- I really felt that I was experiencing that sensation or that you were actually holding the mug when writing this poem. I think you can improve this poem by rewording some abstractions though. For example, "Flowing warmth and kindness" and "awakening." In other areas, you spiced up the abstractions like "stiff without motivation." Maybe try something like that if it's too hard to avoid abstractions.
ReplyDeleteI really like your transformation of a simple "crave" into this creatively detailed poem. For example, "The feeling of hollow ceramic between my hands"- I really felt that I was experiencing that sensation or that you were actually holding the mug when writing this poem. I think you can improve this poem by rewording some abstractions though. For example, "Flowing warmth and kindness" and "awakening." In other areas, you spiced up the abstractions like "stiff without motivation." Maybe try something like that if it's too hard to avoid abstractions.
ReplyDeleteI really like this poem. It's really impressive how deeply in touch you get with such a simple more fleeting feeling. Most of us just experience a wakeup with coffee and then it's done but you totally took that whole experience to an incredibly detailed level. Your tone goes well with the poem-it matches the way you think the speaker would be communicating at that moment-in a slow, dragged kind of voice. I think its a bit awkward to characterize the coffee as flowing with warmth and kindness. It sounds pretty but practically i don't think it really fits, so i would maybe consider editing that. Overall, great job!!
ReplyDelete