A Need For Silence (Sonnet)
I sit and wait for efforts to be seen.
The dark walls loom with epic stacks
of books,
The mindless bodies here make quite a
scene.
This space does not inspire;
it's all about the looks.
I'll venture to a place to seek caffeine,
Maybe a change is all that I need.
No words appear on blank computer screens,
At this point, I only hope to succeed.
As I sit here, my motivation halts.
The masses pretending to care,
Yet I know they only focus on their faults.
I want to concentrate but do I dare?
My need for silence continues to increase,
And this is just a conversation piece.
My need for silence continues to increase,
And this is just a conversation piece.
Hi Leah! I think this is a really good start to writing a sonnet. You were definitely able to describe your writing process in this poem very well. I think you can improve this sonnet by sticking to the "rules" though: Maybe add the last two GG lines, which are supposed to rhyme with each other. Also, maybe be consistent with your syllable counts in each line, ideally in iambic pentameter. More specifically, certain lines felt a little "flat," or perhaps I just did not understand them. Why are you talking about other people and their wandering minds in the second and third to last lines?
ReplyDeleteI know that this poem has potential!!
This is a really interesting poem. I like that you described procrastination or even writer's block in a poem. Its very relatable as well and I think it's very creative and unique that you turned this idea into a sonnet. My suggestion would be to make this just a little bit longer.
ReplyDeleteI really liked how u chose to write about not being able to write- such a good idea! It started off really well, but I feel like it kinda drifted off towards the end. I didn't quite understand the line, "People pretend to care".. I also wish it was a little longer. All in all, great idea, just needs a bit more.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great idea for a poem! The speaker did a great job of showing and not telling. Especially the line, "The dark walls make up high stacks of books." I don't understand what the masses are supposed to care about. Also, there is a lack of iambic pentameter.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great idea for a poem! The speaker did a great job of showing and not telling. Especially the line, "The dark walls make up high stacks of books." I don't understand what the masses are supposed to care about. Also, there is a lack of iambic pentameter.
ReplyDeleteAmazing poem! I loved the overall idea of it and the fact that you wrote this sonnet while this was actually happening to you!
ReplyDeleteMaybe something is missing in the second line that isnt allowing it to flow as easily.
The two lines that were my favorite that seemed to flow together so well were
"Maybe a change is all that I need,
There remains no words on my large blank screen." They also describe the setting of the mood so well and many people can immediately understand what the speaker is going through because they probably were in the same predicament themselves.
Last two lines were great ending (maybe missing comma in last line?).
Amazing, amazing job!
I really liked how relatable this poem to your audience, we've all been there, hoping for some inspiration. You had some really great lines in the beginning (The mindless bodies make a scene), but as mentioned in some previous comments, I think could extend the powerfulness to the second half of the poem as well. Perhaps use less abstractions?
ReplyDeleteAdditionally, sometimes you nailed the iambic pentameter, but other times not as much.
I really liked the last couplet, and the idea of the sonnet!
I think "cups of caffeine" was very cute. Awesome rhythm in this poem. I think you could use more images for phrases like "thoughts begin to wander" or the "masses pretend[ing] to care". I like your idea though
ReplyDeleteHi! I like how you transformed your frustration with writing a poem into the poem itself!
ReplyDeleteI think this poem has a lot of potential. One way it could be improved is if the meter is changed to be iambic. Also, some words seem to be a bit stilted and out of order. For example, the line "There remains no words on my large blank screen" could be changed to "No words appear on blank computer screens"
This is a good start for your sonnet. They are quite a challenge, and hearing the meter takes some practice. Your rhyme scheme is already a sonnet if we include the off and slant rhymes, but your meter is off.
ReplyDeleteI would love to see you work on the rhythms in this poem, revising by voice and ear as we have been practicing. Remember: iambic pentameter is five two-syllable units in which most of the units follow a patter of unstressed, then stressed.
This line is already in iambic pentameter: "I want to concentrate but do I dare?"
Some of these lines are close to iambic pentameter. With a little more tweaking, they can be in meter. Below are two examples. For both examples, the first line is your original, and in the second, I revise it to iambic pentameter for you.
"The dark walls make up high stacks of books"
The dark walls loom with epic stacks of books
"The mindless bodies make a scene" With this one you just need a syllable between "bodies" and "make" and another between "make" and "a":
The mindless bodies here make quite a scene
The words "ponder" and "wander" are not iambs. They follow a stressed, then unstressed pattern. So it's nearly impossible to use them as end words in a sonnet, as you do here in lines nine and eleven.
I hope these comments help you to revise the poem closer to a traditional sonnet. I'm looking forward to our meeting.