The First
A perfectly crisp day, the smell of Fall fills the air.
There were fast cars and new friends.
I was fresh faced and my heart was beating with anticipation.
He was older so he was never wrong.
We did things I only saw in movies.
My mind going blank, my toes curling under.
He saw something real in me.
Maybe it was my purity
Maybe it was because I was unbroken.
I overheard people and their rumors,
They were all wrong.
The only thing right was him and I.
How could my friends lie to me?
They know I hate liars.
I could not stop thinking about him.
We spent every moment together,
How did he find the time?
I began to feel a difference inside of me.
It scars me every time the apple cinnamon scent enters my nose.
My friends were right,
The butterflies were now eating my insides.
Innocence ripped from the hand that this stranger once held.
Not only were the leaves falling to their death,
Everything around me was collapsing.
Hi Leah, this poem has a ton of potential, and there are a number of excellent lines here: "We did things I only saw in movies," "Not only were the leaves falling to their death, / Everything around me was collapsing." That's great stuff. Pithy and well worded. The poem packs a lot of intense emotion in a short space.
ReplyDeleteI do have some suggestions for improvement. I feel strongly that the poem is much better without the last stanza, which spells it out too much. The ending of the previous stanza is SO much better of an ending to your poem. Your current ending adds emotions that can be read as self-pitying, which is seldom an effective emotion to explore in a poem. "Everything around me was collapsing," on the other hand, is a brilliant ending that connotes tragedy, rather than more narrow emotions. End with that!
I would also work to eliminate cliches. Butterflies in my stomach and chills down my spine are cliches and kind of lazy, compared to the better lines.
But nonetheless, there is a lot of great stuff to work with here, and this has a tremendous amount of potential. Keep working on it!
Hey, I really liked the emotion that you are able to portray in this poem without explicitly stating it. I found myself rooting for what seems to be a new and exciting relationship for you, and felt let down when I read "Everything around me was collapsing." Great job!
ReplyDeleteGreat poem Leah. I thought you adequately portrayed a difficult and emotional taxing situation well. I agree with Prof. Miller in that certain lines are cliche like the butterflies and the spine but you also included some fresh lines like everything is collapsing and "maybe because I was unbroken." Maybe the second third stanzas could be combined and you can show more rather than tell.
ReplyDeleteHi! I liked how this poem ended at a completely different emotional state than it started at, and I think your language really helped support that emotion. I agree with the other comments that some lines could be spiced up a bit, for example maybe specifying what the "smell of Fall" actually is.
ReplyDeleteI really like how this poem made us feel so many emotions within such a short span. There are some great lines like, "It scars me every time the apple cinnamon scent enters my nose." and "The butterflies were now eating my insides.
ReplyDeleteInnocence ripped from the hand that this stranger once held." One way I think this poem could be worked on is to try to implement more of those lines, where you're not telling the reader things so straightforwardly, but the image and message nonetheless gets through. For example: "They know I hate liars." I think this line can be changed into something else that portrays your "hate" without having to actually use that word.
Otherwise, great job!