Just A Dream
The cotton candy sky and the cool breeze.
The perfect time for a stroll before the darkness arrives.
Some time to spend alone.
I feel a shadow.
I cannot distinguish the face.
It is getting closer and closer.
I just want to be alone.
I am trying to run but my legs are stuck.
Inching closer.
This stranger's face is a blur.
Distance is closing between us.
Thoughts are clouding my mind,
My whole body shivers in fear.
I try to scream but nothing is heard.
Their arm is reaching out to grab me.
It has all vanished.
The room is black, just a dream.
*Updated: [December 25]
Hi! I really enjoyed reading this :) I really got the feel I was in a dream myself. I like how you started out describing a nice dream and quickly took a turn for the scary part, just as a real dream would. If i had one critic, it would be to be more descriptive- more feeling, more show don't tell. Otherwise, good job!
ReplyDeleteHi Leah! Great job making your readers feel the terror that you are trying to describe. The "arm reaching out" really made me feel as though I was experiencing the dream itself. I think you did a good job in depicting the details of the dream, which start out positive as "cotton candy" but quickly take a turn for the worse in the form of a nightmare. The blurred details of the pursuer are well-placed because the details of dreams are often forgotten in the morning or not explicit in the dream itself. A critique that might be helpful is to steer clear away from cliches, such as "thoughts are clouding my mind" and to think of other ways of describing the speaker's feelings without directly saying "I just want to be alone" etc. Great work though!
ReplyDeleteHey Leah! I really enjoyed reading your poem. I think it's very interesting how you started the poem off with a pleasant and almost peaceful sentence and then quickly turned it around to a dark and scary experience. I like how you wrote, "I tried to scream but nothing was heard...and distance is closing between us." Very nice descriptions and I really think this was a great poem.
ReplyDeleteHi! I enjoyed the stark difference between the happiness of the beginning when you said "The cotton candy sky and the cool breeze." and the rest of the poem. I was surprised when by the end of the first stanza, it was already frightening. It is not always easy to achieve surprise through writing, so I think that was great!
ReplyDeleteThe second stanza standing alone-"getting closer" was a great way to create suspense. I really felt the fear that you seemed so paralyzed by in this poem.
The only slight critic I would say would be to implement a bit more description- maybe use less verbs, and more images. Overall, great job!
I liked the cinematic quality of the poem. I felt the fear that the speaker was feeling. I think that it could be improved by making the stanza breakups clearer and create more unity within the poem, unless thats specifically not what you want.
ReplyDeleteThe end is powerful, I like it
This poem really conveys a sense of fear at the unknown. It kind of reminds me of something from a child's point of view--how when young we imagine the most horrible things in the dark.
ReplyDeleteI love the phrase "cotton candy sky." It's quite evocative and hits just the note you want there. On the other hand, "pitch black" is a common cliche and isn't really adding to the poem.
I am confused about some things. The beginning of the poem makes it sound like the speaker is out for a stroll. The menacing presence seems like a stalker. But the last line contradicts this. Suddenly, for some reason, we are in a room, rather than outside. How did that happen? Where is the poem supposed to be set? Seems inconsistent.
It is also unclear why the speaker's legs seem stuck.
Some of the lines are too flat and would benefit from more care. These are some examples of lines that seem dashed off without much effort:
Alone time
Getting closer
My body shivers
It is all gone
I am confident that with more effort and more attention to what we are learning in the book, you can elevate the flat parts into poetry. Try longer lines. Try listening to the sounds of the words more. Put more time into it, and try to make each line do something interesting.
Hope this helps.
I genuinely really enjoyed this poem! My heart was pumping the whole time and I was just waiting to see what was happening next.
ReplyDeleteI loved how you started with such a light and calming descriptive phrase "The cotton candy sky and the cool breeze." and then moved to more intense and frightening descriptions such as "I try to scream but nothing is heard.
Their arm is reaching out to grab me."
I also feel that you incorporated many elements that people who have nightmares can relate to such and feeling like they are stuck or dont have a voice.
The only constructive criticism that I have is that it was so good and captivating that I wanted more and wanted the story to continue.
This poem was so fun to read! The poem started off with a light mood then quickly went dark. I wish the poem was longer because I wanted to read more! I really liked how the speaker described the sky as being "cotton candy" because it really allowed me to envision the color and the mood.
ReplyDeleteGood job!
I really felt the suspense building in this poem - the voice reading it in my head got louder and more intense as the poem progressed, and at the end I felt true relief that it was just a dream. I like the rhythm and the repetition.
ReplyDeleteMy only suggestion is maybe changing the word "They" in "They are getting closer." You were talking about a face in the previous sentence, and "they" is plural, so maybe change to "it?"
I like your use of punctuation - the periods and commas make for dramatic stops and pauses, and makes the poem read as intense and scary.
Great job I really like this poem!